


run them red lights: a Sideswipe story

by sassycatpants



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Kemmasandi, Self-Insert, Swearing, Tags to be added as needed, mentions of mlle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:16:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassycatpants/pseuds/sassycatpants
Summary: So, one time my dad bought Optimus Prime and nowI'vegot a babysitter. Thanks, Dad.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [101 Ways To ACTUALLY Die While Working On Your PhD](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10165517) by [MlleMusketeer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MlleMusketeer/pseuds/MlleMusketeer). 



> So!!!! Kemmasandi jumped on the bandwagon and I followed because this is an excellent bandwagon to jump on.
> 
> Just a disclaimer: While most of this is in fact canon for my life (y'know, minus the TF stuff), some of it is fictional. Also my dad _is_ actually a trucker and I do have vaguely rudimentary knowledge of life on the road for a trucker from the time I went on a road trip with him when I was a sixteen year old a decade ago, but most of it is memory and conversation with my dad so please don't take me for an expert lmao.

I am probably the worst punishment to ever inflict on Sideswipe.

Wait, backup – let me explain that.

See, it’s like this: I pretty much never leave my apartment unless I absolutely have to; and for someone like Sideswipe who likes to _move_ , it’s gotta suck having to sit unmoving in a parking lot behind an apartment building nearly twenty four seven.

 _Naturally_ , being assigned to me was, in fact, punishment detail for Sideswipe. (Which by the way, being the _punishment_  for someone else is sort of self esteem deflating? I feel like that needs to be addressed at some point in the future, but hey wow who’s gonna tell the big boss bot that particular bit, not me!)

I should probably back up further, huh, and explain _how_  I got involved with Autobots, shouldn’t I?

Alright, so it’s like this, right? My dad’s a trucker; he’s been a trucker since I was a bitty teenager, so a little over a decade now. Anyway, at some point he wants to start his own trucking company, but he’s owned a fair couple of trucks over time, as a result of working for different companies, and more recently for himself.

Awhile back, he bought himself a new truck. Or rather, a beat up old half broken truck to fix up and then rent out to employees if he could find a driver willing to work for him.

Turns out… he bought _Optimus fucking Prime_.

You heard me correctly. My dad technically, at some point in time, legally owned Optimus Prime. I sat in his passenger seat. _I used his cup holders_.

He has really comfortable seats by the way, and no one tell him I said that because that’s a _really_ embarrassing thing to say to the leader of an alien race. As a result, my family is sort of connected to Optimus Prime and therefore At Risk Of Decepticon Murder. You know, usual alien war shenanigans.

Anyway, as I was saying, Sideswipe and punishment detail. I don’t know the specifics but I guess he and his twin Sunstreaker – and one of these days I’ll get him to explain _how_  alien robots have twins – pulled some epic Weasley Twins shit. And now Sunstreaker has to guard my brother, his girlfriend and their two kids and I pity the poor guy because those kids are great but _wow_  his paint job is never going to recover from sticky little toddler fingers, and Sideswipe has to guard me.

On the one hand, he’s actually pretty cool.

On the other? _I’m going to fucking kill him if he doesn’t stop texting me every ten seconds with variations of **I’m bored now**._


	2. Chapter 2

Flashback time!

And for clarifications sake, I should probably point out that, despite my dad buying Optimus and getting us involved that way, I've never in my life actually met Sam Witwicky. The biggest reason for this is, quite simply, _location_.

I'm an East Coast resident – specifically, Rhode Island.

And one thing you should know about Rhode Island? That joke about 'it's so small that no matter where you go, you're always within two miles of a body of water' one? Yeah, that's about right. I grew up with a marina across the street, and a beach around the corner and when I grew up I didn't go very far. I basically went down the road, which means I _still_ live a five minute drive from the beach.

(Ten minutes during the Memorial Day weekend festival that happens every May, because then everyone and their mother shows up and suddenly we have traffic. Which doesn't exist the rest of the year despite the beach being right there.)

Anyway, I digress. The point is, we're a very small state, there's water everywhere and when something interesting happens people sit up and take notice because the rest of the country tends to either forget we're here or think we're part of New York, and interesting things mean maybe someone will notice us for once. Also it turns out that everyone in Rhode Island is a gossip of some caliber and when interesting things happen we like to be able to tell our friends that we saw it as it was happening.

It _also_ means that when Optimus Fucking Prime pulls into the parking lot of the local Dockside Seafood store to introduce you to your new car, _everyone notices_ because you just don't see eighteen wheelers in a Dockside parking lot.

Plus, he almost ran over the cow and naturally everyone was outraged about that. (Don't worry, we'll come back to the cow later.)

I say Optimus introduced me to Sideswipe, but actually it was Lennox who did the introductions, because Optimus is a truck and trucks don't talk in public where just anyone can see. So, he climbs on out of Optimus' cab and I _swear_ , people are pressing themselves against the windows of the stupid store watching us, because this is the _second time_ a truck has pulled up in Dockside specifically to meet me in the last three years and I'm just embarrassed to all hell and trying not to have a panic attack because I'm _really bad_ with attention focused on me. Anxiety, you know?

I think Optimus could tell, because he rumbles a little bit and Lennox got this like, _look_ like people do when they realize someone's on that tipping point and Optimus pops open his door and Lennox lets me climb in and then we're pulling out of the lot. I have no idea where we're actually going but I can see this fancy ass car in one of the side mirrors following us, and thaaaat's when Lennox goes, “So Kelpy! That's Sideswipe! He's your new car.”

(It's at this point I should mention that I don't even have a driver's license, never mind my own car. I passed my Driver's Ed classes, but it turns out that not being the only person on a road gives an already anxious person even more anxiety. Who knew?)

“Lennox, you know I don't have a license, right? Even if I'm not _really_ driving, if we ever get pulled over for any reason, I won't have a license to hand over, or registration or like **anything** –!” And yeah, there's me starting to freak out. I'm already picturing all the ways this could go wrong.

“Relax! It's covered. All the paperwork is squared away, you've been issued a license and we both know it's Sideswipe who'll be doing the driving anyway, so you got nothing to worry about. Just, do me a favor? _Don't_ be an idiot.”

I'm sort of offended by that last bit because come on. I'm an adult, I know how – okay, no actually he was probably right to tell me that. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to give me an adult membership, but I firmly believe whoever it was needs to take it back because I don't want it. Anyway, I'm sure I actually looked offended, because Optimus felt the need to explain that one of the newest humans NEST was involved with  _apparently_ thought she needed to save Jazz, and this was why it was now standard procedure to remind their human, _civilian_ , allies to not be idiots.

(Turns out it was Mlle, and I'm internet friends with Kemmasandi who is internet friends with Mlle and I read Mlle's fanfiction online and wow what a small world. It was that point right there that I decided I needed to have a chitchat with Kem that night and see if she'd been inducted into the Autobot Protection Program yet, because I needed _someone_ to complain at about my suddenly weirder than usual life.)

“I will definitely, one hundred percent not run in to help Sideswipe fight Decepticons. Promise. I will not be an idiot,” I promised as seriously as I could.

Yeah, I'm a complete fucking liar. I _totally_ tried to help Sideswipe fight a Decepticon later that week.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm aware this chapter's basically all over the place and that's like, 60% intentional lmao. I'm writing this as if I'm having a conversation with the reader, and one of my conversational habits is topic jumping and wandering all over the place before coming back to the original topic (or not) as the conversation goes on.
> 
> Apologies to anyone being driven insane by that.

There's a few pros and cons to living in a second floor apartment.

For example, stairs. Stairs are a major drawback. I am what one would call _lazy_ and _unfit_ , and since that time I sprained my ankle falling down my friend's porch steps I've held a healthy wariness for stairs. Also trying to carry an entire month's worth of groceries up a flight of stairs is a lot of work and I hate it.

On the other hand, living on the second floor means that when the hell demon I adopted under the mistaken assumption she was a cat escapes the apartment, I only have to chase her down the hallway and herd her back to my doorway to get her inside, and not worry about her escaping through an outside door.

Also, zombies can't use stairs, so when the zombie hordes come, I'm marginally safe until they figure out how to pile up on the stairs and crawl over each other.

Unfortunately, Sideswipe is an asshole and makes fun of me about that last point. Joke's on him though, because he'll be the one trapped outside with the zombies when they come.

But the biggest pro of all, and this is my favorite one, is that at four thirty in the morning, when the security guard has left for the night and all the neighbors are asleep, I can curl up on a pillow pile in my heated blanket on my balcony (depending on weather, of course) and talk to Sideswipe on _his_ level.

Most of that wasn't really important, it was just set up for this: when Sideswipe first got assigned babysitting duty, he honestly thought I was a nerd, and that we were both going to end up miserable with this whole arrangement. Or at least he would, because nerds are nerdy.

I mean, he's not wrong because I am definitely, one hundred percent no question a nerd. But! I'm a _friendly_ nerd, and I like to talk about my nerd passions and include others in them and I am actually a lot of fun when I'm not being a ball of anxiety.

Also, I'm a writer so the majority of my nerdiness is centered on interesting things like writing and character development and world-building fantasy worlds, and not boring things. And I love to soundboard off of other people, because rambling at someone else is a good thought process for me. Sideswipe, to both of our delight, is an excellent soundboard.

Sometimes he doesn't even have to say anything for me to work out my writing problems, but most of the time he comes up with the most _delightful_ solutions to a writing snag.

That's what we were doing tonight, when the zombie hordes showed up.

* * *

So, there I was, snuggled up in my heater blanket on a pile made of body pillows, some blankets and a really old Pokemon sleeping bag I've had for over a decade and refuse to get rid of – it's got sentimental value, don't fucking judge me, okay – and talking to Sideswipe about my newest writing project (fox mask au, don't worry about the specifics), when all of a sudden there's this scraping from somewhere on the other side of the building.

(This is a sound that happens frequently, and terrifies me every time because I am absolutely convinced it's zombies, by the way.)

“It's just a raccoon or something, don't be such a wimp.” Sideswipe's not very good at comfort. He tries, but he really does suck at it.

“It's _zombies_ , Sideswipe!”

“If I go check it out, do you promise not to cry?”

I should probably not throw flower pots at Sideswipe but honestly, half the time he asks for it. At least he's nice enough to give it back. I put the thing back in the corner where it belongs and lean over the railing of the balcony to watch while I wait for Sideswipe, but really I'm absolutely ready to bolt back inside and lock all the doors against whatever monster is out there in the dark now that I'm alone.

A moment later I hear some screeching and I am _gone_. The door's slammed shut and locked and my cat's sticking her head out of the hall closet in confusion, I'm under a pile of blankets and my phone is blowing up with text messages from Sideswipe.

_[Sender: Sideswipe] Are u inside_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] stay in there_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] seriously don't come outside it's fine it's not zombies I got this don't worry about it_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] shit shut the curtains_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] SHUT THE CURTAINS_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] okay_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] okay were good u can come back outside now_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] kelpy_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] kelpy_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] kelpy_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] fucking dumbass come outside_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] bring the medical kit_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] I will literally peel the roof off if you dont fuckin come outside with the medical kit for fucks sake it wasnt a god damn zombie_

_[Sender: Kelpy] Then what was it?_

_[Sender: Sideswipe] Fuckin frenzy diggin in the dumpster, thats what. Fuckin little demon with a chain saw is what he is. Medkit. Make it snappy._

_[Sender: Kelpy] Coming._

And that's why I'm not allowed to take the trash out after dark anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

_[6/8/2017 5:43:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: so, i have some really strange sounding things to say to you, bc reasons and i need honest answers ok_

_[6/8/2017 6:19:47 PM] Kiwimus Prime: ok_

_[6/8/2017 6:22:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: autobots_

_[6/8/2017 6:25:58 PM] Kiwimus Prime: oh god, they got you too didn't they_

_[6/8/2017 6:33:20 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: SO YOU DO KNOW THEM. HOW. WAS IT THROUGH MLLE? BC I KNOW YOU TWO ARE ONLINE FRIENDS._

_[6/8/2017 6:34:49 PM] Kiwimus Prime: YEAH_

_[6/8/2017 6:35:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout:  GOD. THEY'RE SPREADING, KEM. SPREADING._

_[6/8/2017 6:37:06 PM] Kiwimus Prime: BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM?_

_[6/8/2017 6:37:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: OH MY HOD. OK. OKAY SO LIKE????_

_[6/8/2017 6:38:12 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: MY DAD KINDA BOUGHT OPTIMUS PRIME TWO YEARS AGO OVER THE SUMMER. HE WAS GONNA RENT HIM OUT AS A TRUCK AFTER HE FIXED HIM UP FOR HIS DRIVER THING AND LIKE_

_[6/8/2017 6:38:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: GOD THIS IS SO FUCKIN WEIRD TO SAY BUT BASICALLY LEGALLY MY DAD TECHNICALLY STILL OWNS OPTIMUS PRIME. BUT ANYWAY SO IT TURNED OUT THE TRUCK MY DAD BOUFGYT WAS THE LEADER OF AN ALIEN SPECIES IN AN ALIEN CIVIL WAR AND SURPRISE NOW WE'RE UNDER AUTOVOT PROTECTION BECAUSE OUR CONNECTION TO PRIME LEAVES US AT RISK._

_[6/8/2017 6:39:27 PM] Kiwimus Prime: oh my god that's fucking hilarious. i'm just under protection because of my connection to mlle_

_[6/8/2017 6:42:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: i heard about that. they assigned me fuckin sideswipe. i mean, two years they didn't really babysit me up close??? it was a sort of 'guard from a distance' thing but i guess now they're basically posting guards on all the people associated to mlle at some degeree and i guess i count???_

_[6/8/2017 6:44:38 PM] Kiwimus Prime: well you're friends with me and i'm friends with mlle so yeah i guess you're like... friends via proxy by decepticon logic_

_[6/8/2017 6:45:45 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: also i read like, all of mlle's fics online so my search history on a03 probably fdoesn;'t help lmfao. christ. i really should meet mlle or at least talk to them online. be nice to cimpare alien stories_

_[6/8/2017 6:46:08 PM] Kiwimus Prime: you should. theoretically, best alien convention ever_

_[6/8/2017 6:46:59 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: is it a convention if there's only two people and like twelve sentient cars_

_[6/8/2017 6:49:00 PM] Asshole Bellsprout: wait fuck i gotta go for a minute, sideswipe's in a fight qwith a raccoon again. or maybe frenzy, i'm not entirely sure they both sound about the same when they're screaming_

_[6/8/2017 6:49:05 PM] Kiwimus Prime: lmao_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All typos were pretty much intentional because at this point in my life I lack the fucks to go back and edit typos in IM conversations, and I replicated said lack of fucks in this fictional conversation.


End file.
